About, Self.

The other night, I was pondering over finding one's true self. And that's when I stumbled across a major roadblock, I think most people would face on this journey. If you ask anyone, 8/10 would say they are good humans, with all the basic values, habits, etc. But how many times do we actually do things that are opposite of this? Very very often! Even if one doesn’t agree on the face.

How is one supposed to find their true self, if they are unable to even see themselves as they are? How many times do we actually agree to being completely wrong or out of line regarding something? This is still something outward. What about the times we were jealous or envious of someone but we wouldn’t show it or talk about it? It’s only something we know about. Can we really think about it and be completely one with that feeling and own it? Unless we acknowledge such aspects along with everything else, how are we supposed to even know ourselves?

So how do we do it? More often than not, this proves extremely difficult for anyone. And this basically links to us being able to accept that we have done something which is not right. I wouldn’t call it wrong, because who am I to say what’s wrong for anyone else! It is also not about always doing the right thing, but more about accepting our actions and introspecting on them. Because, internally, we all know what is right and wrong for ourselves; it is about accepting it externally as well. Without any justification. As and when we keep accepting more and more of our decisions for what they are and not as reactions to things happening around us, we will be able to see ourselves for real as well.

This process is definitely not easy. As we are not ready to be completely liable for all the decisions we ever took or will take in the future. Especially the bad ones. We want some or the other situation to be liable for it and not ourselves. But when we do this, we end up being a reactionary person. Someone who depends on external stimuli, always! And can such a person ever be something on its own? Is this identity individual by any stretch of imagination? If something is defined only by things that surround it, the thing itself does not have any meaning. In its singularity, it has no value.

This also goes back to the previous topic of being able to sit with yourself. When you do that, you are also able to understand more about the decisions you have made and why! Slowly one starts to question their decision. One question leads to another and another, which spirals you down to the base of it all. The place from which the choice emerged. This would be the root of your conscious thought on that topic. This doesn’t seem like an easy process at all right? How many of us can actually do this? But I believe that once we start doing it, on a regular basis, for most of our decisions, in due course of time, every decision that we take, will start stemming from this root of your conscious thought rather than something reactive and superficial. And this is when one will also meet themselves!

It is not only about mindful decisions, but finding out your true self! And the best way to find out about it, at least from my perspective currently, is to know what you truly think about something and how you truly react to it. And not what the situations around make you think and react. It might not even make a lot of sense at first glance, but the more I think about it, the more true it feels. I might be wrong, but that is what I decided. I will walk these never ending fields without a compass with my own sense of direction and see where it leads me. If and when I have to course-correct, I shall do it. But for now, it seems like I am a child running on a playground!

The Light Bulb Moment!

 So, I have been reading/listening to some heavy stuff these days. Not really sure how it impacts my thoughts and changes me as a person. But I seem to be getting more intense thoughts because of it. 

They say one needs to control the senses and steer them in the right direction to attain true knowledge. But who is it who is steering the sense? Is the sense different from the mind? Without the mind will we have any sense of the senses? And without the senses will we have any sense of our mind, of ourselves as a being?

This thought which comes up, this is the function of all that I have read and listened to. So is this thought even mine? Am I even present when I am thinking this? Thus, they say, to learn, first one would need to unlearn all the things he has learned over the years. 

To be able to sit with one's own original thoughts is the key to self realization. Even though it seems easy, it is probably the most difficult thing to achieve. Since most of the thoughts that we have are a function of what we hear, read and discuss. Maybe not at a Conscious level, but at the unconscious level. 

And it might come to you if you think about it. About 80-90% of your daily thoughts would be related to what you talk with your family, friends, colleagues or see on the news or social media. How often do you think about something which is completely original to your mind? This is the roadblock that we all face. How do we overcome it? I have no clue! It is something that I have been dealing with as well.

Circling back to the senses, how do I direct them, when they are me? Or are the senses different from myself? It could be that senses are only physical while the mind is in a non physical realm? But, then, would there still be a mind if we remove the firing of the neurons? The electrical charges flowing through and the neurons themselves are physical. So how can we truly know that the mind is not physical?

Everyone would’ve heard someone or the other saying this - “You need to control your mind”. In this case, who is the one controlling the mind? Is the mind controlling itself? Or are there three entities involved here? Me(my self/ego), my mind and my sense?

People say they know the answers to such questions, but do they really know? When they say they know, who is it who knows? Is it their mind? Or their self, which is still distant from their minds?

I think it’s about time to personally take a step into these questions and swim this ocean myself rather than letting anyone else tell me the answer or show me where the shore is!

Onwards!

It's been almost a year that I wrote! Long time! But feels longer to me now that I think about it. Seems like life was cruising too smooth the last few months. As I have always maintained that I just cannot write when things are going well. And thoughts simply pour in when there are bigger waves in life! 

Well, trying to change that going forward. Will write more often. And hopefully in some months, get a hang of being regular at it as well. 

Was skimming through some of my past unpublished notes and damn I feel so connected to it even now! Maybe the thought process that one has never truly changes? Who knows!

Maybe will post it up here sometime. And the reason to do that? Just to make sure it's there somewhere I can access it even if by chance I end up losing it from my drive or phone. So innocently we try to hold on to the pieces of our past! Is it the same with everyone though? Not really sure. But, if nothing else, maybe next year I'm going to read this and smile!