About, Self.

The other night, I was pondering over finding one's true self. And that's when I stumbled across a major roadblock, I think most people would face on this journey. If you ask anyone, 8/10 would say they are good humans, with all the basic values, habits, etc. But how many times do we actually do things that are opposite of this? Very very often! Even if one doesn’t agree on the face.

How is one supposed to find their true self, if they are unable to even see themselves as they are? How many times do we actually agree to being completely wrong or out of line regarding something? This is still something outward. What about the times we were jealous or envious of someone but we wouldn’t show it or talk about it? It’s only something we know about. Can we really think about it and be completely one with that feeling and own it? Unless we acknowledge such aspects along with everything else, how are we supposed to even know ourselves?

So how do we do it? More often than not, this proves extremely difficult for anyone. And this basically links to us being able to accept that we have done something which is not right. I wouldn’t call it wrong, because who am I to say what’s wrong for anyone else! It is also not about always doing the right thing, but more about accepting our actions and introspecting on them. Because, internally, we all know what is right and wrong for ourselves; it is about accepting it externally as well. Without any justification. As and when we keep accepting more and more of our decisions for what they are and not as reactions to things happening around us, we will be able to see ourselves for real as well.

This process is definitely not easy. As we are not ready to be completely liable for all the decisions we ever took or will take in the future. Especially the bad ones. We want some or the other situation to be liable for it and not ourselves. But when we do this, we end up being a reactionary person. Someone who depends on external stimuli, always! And can such a person ever be something on its own? Is this identity individual by any stretch of imagination? If something is defined only by things that surround it, the thing itself does not have any meaning. In its singularity, it has no value.

This also goes back to the previous topic of being able to sit with yourself. When you do that, you are also able to understand more about the decisions you have made and why! Slowly one starts to question their decision. One question leads to another and another, which spirals you down to the base of it all. The place from which the choice emerged. This would be the root of your conscious thought on that topic. This doesn’t seem like an easy process at all right? How many of us can actually do this? But I believe that once we start doing it, on a regular basis, for most of our decisions, in due course of time, every decision that we take, will start stemming from this root of your conscious thought rather than something reactive and superficial. And this is when one will also meet themselves!

It is not only about mindful decisions, but finding out your true self! And the best way to find out about it, at least from my perspective currently, is to know what you truly think about something and how you truly react to it. And not what the situations around make you think and react. It might not even make a lot of sense at first glance, but the more I think about it, the more true it feels. I might be wrong, but that is what I decided. I will walk these never ending fields without a compass with my own sense of direction and see where it leads me. If and when I have to course-correct, I shall do it. But for now, it seems like I am a child running on a playground!